Life a lot of times is like a jigsaw puzzle. Everyone is trying to figure out life from their own point of view. I think it’s a good thing that we are trying to understand how things work and how they can go in our favor.
What I have found myself to be more interested in are patterns, trends and shifting perspectives. I am not just looking at the key figure in an image but also everything that makes it what it is. This is important because nothing happens out of the blues, there are always signs.
The truth is we are an evolving people, and if you look closely enough, we are going around in circles with every trend, innovation, and breakthrough. In the next 10 years, the things we need today aren’t going to be the hot stuff then.
In relationships and marriages too, there are also shifts going on. The truth is they are not so evident because of the slow movements. Like how a tall building doesn’t look so far immediately when you drive away. It’s the exact same thing.
The era we are in right now, if you ask couples generally what their greatest fears are, you’ll find 3 popular areas:
1. Having a relationship or marriage full of infidelity – (Cheating, having a side-chick or side-guy)
2. Lack of money: The theme now is “if they are broke, don’t date or marry them.” Money means so much these days, and a lot of peoples true characters show by the lack of money or the abundance of it.
3. Not having enough mutual understanding or compatibility with their partners for the long run: This touches deeply on areas of character, self-discovery and the likes
Alright! So we have some of these popular fears that most of us have. What this then does, in turn, is cause a more exact preference in the qualities we want to see in our future spouses.
The sad truth is many of us are spending our time looking down on the very qualities we should be looking out for in the people we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Being attractive, romantic or good in bed are not the main factors that a fantastic marriage is built on.
Though this is a deep issue, let’s try to scratch the surface a bit with this post.
As you read this, please don’t expect from others what qualities you don’t have yourself. We have people who demand certain qualities from others that they themselves aren’t even aware they don’t have and won’t even admit it if they are told. If that’s you, you need to spend more time being single and working on these things before expecting them from others. Good!
Let’s have the new underrated qualities to look out for in the 21st Century future spouse:
1. Maturity: You see these days, we have most people piling up more age than wisdom. Sorry to sound so direct, but that’s the truth. We no longer have many people whose ages depict how much wisdom they should have.
In fact, what we have are more people who just feel that they know because they are grown and are no more kids. But there’s a huge difference between wisdom and experience.
Not all experiences become wisdom if you don’t learn the right things from them and apply yourself rightly to the lessons.
We are a generation of BIG babies who have grown up with various degrees of comfort and a faulted view to life, hence we aren’t rightly equipped to handle big things like a marriage or raising kids. But we think we can.
We haven’t left the realms of “Give me, it’s for me, I was hurt by what wasn’t said or was said, I must have it my way or nothing else.” Very little levels of maturity are what we see in people especially the youths. What will amaze you, is how shallow their thoughts are.
If you aren’t in this group of people, I’m happy for you. Almost everyone reading this post will think this doesn’t apply to them.
But who will show you to you, if you don’t listen to anyone else but yourself?
You actually need to learn to be more mature! Everyone does, it’s like a school of learning that never ends..
Want to know how to check up on your maturity levels? Take a look at your life and the quality of the decisions you are making, the way you handle things that come your way, especially the ones you didn’t plan for. Can you handle double of the things you currently carry?
Another key part is handling other people, how are you able to deal with the expectations or input of those who matter to you and those who don’t? Does the input of others immediately poo on your parade? Does it immediately throw you into mood swings or make you put on an entirely bad attitude?
Inability to act the right way in unexpected situations is a clear sign of immaturity too. If anger outbursts are your regular thing, then you should get the required understanding of how to handle things. Handling your emotions and not letting them control your life is something that must be learned.
Think about it. Soon it will be less about what you have but more about what you can handle maturely and bring results.
2. Capacity: Gone are the days when you could be casual about your life and just do YOLO to the finish line. I’m afraid to burst your bubble (‘cos you’ll land on the ground) but those who are ‘YOLOing’ all the way have a much different life and purpose than you do.
The next big requirement is your capacity, “How intentional have you been about who you currently are? How much are you prepared to handle?”
We are talking not just about career goals here or money goals. These realities answer to the things that are abstract. The perspective is shifting gradually to “What can you bring to the table? What can you do? How can your experiences bring positive results for us?”
One of the common issue these days is having people who are becoming who they are and they don’t even know how they got there in the first place. They just became who they are without a source, any guide or leadership, I believe you need to be watchful of these kinds of people. These kinds of people undermine the knowledge around them, they feel like they know more than enough and so there’s no need to know more or step out of their comfort zones.
Your ability to lead, run a home, take responsibility, stop giving excuses even when you are not to blame, matters. Your willingness to shelve everything you are and have and put it down for the greater good, is the kind of capacity we are talking about. How about sound decision making and judgment? Much needed too!
Your capacity is easily restricted if you have a bad character. It is important to be through and through, in and out. Are you who you truly who you present yourself to be? Your true capacity is built on the strength of your character.
3. Ability to be Visionary: Short-sightedness is one of our greatest shortcomings in this generation. We lack the ability to see what is coming and prepare ourselves adequately for it. Seriously! Many men and women are in it only for NOW. If now is good, then it means the future can only be better. It can never be worse. Who told you that? 😂
To be able to look ahead, you need to first, be able to see where you are coming from to know if you are on course. It gives you the best perspective to see clearly where the future is headed. The ability to be visionary is going to be a serious requirement really soon. It’s no longer going to be about you being here with me right now. It’ll be more about where we are going, and what we plan to achieve with our lives.
I am amazed at our generation because we are not trying to learn from the past or from our fathers, or know our history. To even study the Bible and glean wisdom is an issue. Yet, we believe we are ready to change things and shape the future, without knowing where we are coming from. Isn’t that interesting? We aren’t even seeing that former issues of old are still holding us down. Hmmmm..
Can you see where your partner’s life is headed and understand the process it will take to get there? The staying power, the patience, the mistakes, the owning up, growing up, sometimes doing nothing, the tears and the pain?
If all your visions are filled with only an expectation of good things and not a preparation for a single negative, then it’s time to wake up bro, time to wake up sis, the movie is over. It’s time for real life. Those whose eyes have seen know what I am talking about.
This is not a shade for those who have a wealthy background or not. If you see it as such, you should check your lines of thought. Life is what it is, both to the rich and poor. The rich also cry!
To be able to see ahead for you and your partner, you don’t need to press the accelerator to get ahead, but you need to reverse to get a clear picture of where you both are coming from and then fully understand where you are headed.
4. The Greater Purpose: We don’t realize it yet, but we are about to get tired. Social Media, gadgets, projecting your life in a certain way, people pleasing, all these boundary-filled, unrealistic lives we are living, we are about to get tired.
Many of us are still hanging on to a thread because we don’t want to believe that all we have held on to for so long holds no water. And I think many of us are going to struggle with this point. We have been told giving up is bad, evaluating our lives will result in a ‘feel bad’ situation.
Sadly, depression and suicide rates are on the rise. People are getting more codependent to bad behaviors more than ever. But we don’t see it yet, do we? A lot of the things we know and do are not working for us.
If you constantly keep at it for a million years it won’t change a thing. You must change, your mindset must change, you can’t continue holding on to what doesn’t work. You need to live for a greater purpose.
This would be another huge requirement: What or who are you living for?
Yeah yeah, behind the fine face, the lovely voice, the worked on temperament, the great person that you are, what do you live for? What’s your operating system, what runs your life?
My dear, you need to be able to answer.
“I don’t know” doesn’t suffice for this one, you need to know. Because it’s those who don’t know that are in trouble, they are the impacting the world negatively with their ignorance.
Your greater purpose should be for the Kingdom of God. I endorse this for you. From the roots, we should be able to find this in everything that concerns you. Your drive, your motivation, the soul of your decisions and the likes. The Holy Spirit should be involved in every area of your life and not only when you get into a spiritual atmosphere.
If it’s fake, then it means you don’t know. If walking with God and having His word as the final authority isn’t it for you, then you need to find whatever your greater purpose is.
Some people may say their greater purpose is to do good to man, to be helpful, kind and thoughtful. That’s a nice one, but can it sustain itself? Is it capable of pushing you all the days of your life?
Whether you think deeply on this or not, you are already recruited for a greater purpose. You just need to be sure it’s the right one
5. Brokenness: This quality is double sided and I’ll try to explain. The kind of brokenness we are all accustomed to is being heartbroken. With the way, things are in our time, and with the rate at which we are getting into relationships so early in our lives, one thing is certain: many of us will have been heartbroken a couple of times before marriage. These series of negative experiences are the things that blind the hearts of many from experiencing true love and having the right expectations from being with another person.
We find many of us projecting the hurt from our previous relationships on to people who are innocent because we haven’t healed properly.
As we know, “Broken people break others. Hurting people, hurt others“. So we can’t afford to be all that. In our brokenness, we need to find true healing. What people call healing these days is self-love, a defiant attitude after a relationship doesn’t work.
We try to patch up our hurts by trying to act strong, being in the right and never accepting responsibility for our wrongs. That not how healing works, true healing is deeper.
It would soon be a key requirement that you are totally healed from your past hurts before you can commit to a full life with another person.
The other angle of being broken is what is called humility. Have you seen crushed eggshells before? Are they as proud as when they were able to carry the egg white and yolk? No, they are not. They are now crushed and humble. Many of us are still proud! We are not teachable, we know it all, and want to be heard, everyone else must listen because we are always right.
There are many talks about a man’s ego, the ladies too have an ego that needs to be put under (this is commonly unspoken of, but the reality is glaring)
The issue is that this proud mindset is taken into marriages that require sacrifice, humility, putting down yourself to be the bridge for the desired future for your family. Sacrifices that words cannot explain will need to be made to create a healthy environment. You clearly aren’t ready if you aren’t broken like the crushed eggshells.
Scriptures talk about being broken, about humility as a requirement. Yet, you can’t see yourself do somethings that seem lesser to you, because you are now what? Proud? Too big to be associated with? Can’t go low because that’s where you once came from and you hated it? Hmmn.
God loves to use broken people, people who have made themselves usable and have been able to let go of their will for Him. These are the ones that can be taught and corrected by God. They will follow His leadership without thinking twice because it’s now more of Him and less about them. Jesus was broken before God several times, and even when He wanted the cup to pass over him, He stayed with the father’s will.
We need you to be broken, to be able to respect others and even rate them more highly than yourself whether or not they seem to know more than you do. Can you submit to someone that knows less or isn’t looking perfect for you? You need to get to know life more.
Who have you become from your series of heartbreaks, disappointments? Are you still proud? Or you have a clearer view of what life is about? Which of course is less about you.
One key area in marriage we all tend to underestimate is the fact that it is full of corrections. We all believe the way we’ve been doing things all our lives are the best and the only way to get things done. We think that to a certain degree we are faultless.
Getting to spend the rest of your life with someone who sees you in your entirety will lead to you getting a lot of correction on what you should be doing better. Unbroken people aren’t teachable and they hate correction too.
If you aren’t there yet, grace is made available to see yourself clearly.
I need this message as much as you do. We all have a lot of work to do 😊
These qualities are really underrated these days and are key things that most people don’t even take note of. After the butterflies fly out of your belly, these values must remain 😉
Thanks for taking the time out to read.
I understand that it’s a long read for many of us but for those who need this, it’s important.
It would be lovely to hear from you and know your thoughts. Can you relate with anything in this post, whether from personal experience or from another person’s? Do you have other key qualities you believe are underrated?
I would be glad to read them in the comment section. And please share with a friend or your spouse-to-be (as the case may be. Hehe). Thanks