Dear Lord I’m so sorry. If anyone told me I could do this, I will argue yet it happened. I blame myself for going to a guys house in the night and staying alone with him at such ungodly hour on a number of occasions. What possessed me?
You constantly reminded me ‘flee every appearance of evil’ but I began to rationalize. I told myself “he is born again, tongue talking, scripture quoting.” More so he told me ‘nothing can happen’ but the problem was that what ‘nothing’ meant to him wasn’t what it meant to me. He obviously was referring to sex but I, to even undue closeness.
I started to hide things from my roommate. I’ll sneak into the room so she won’t ask interrogating questions like where I was coming from and why I was seeing a man alone at such an ungodly hour. I’d tell her only the good things that happened like when we prayed together. I kept the others from her; the pecks and the intimate hugs.
When I prayed, I started rationalizing with God telling Him how the guy was a believer and had no intentions of ‘trespassing’. I went on to explain to God how it’s the guy’s make up to be expressive in terms of physical touch when he was attracted to a lady. I mean, what foolish reason didn’t I give God? I’m sure He must have just shook His head for me and sighed at my level of ignorance waiting for my eyes to be opened.
I struggled with the thoughts of the intimate moments we had. They literally hunted me with guilt and condemnation. Yet again I rationalized and thought to myself, ‘I could have hugged or pecked my platonic friends too so it wasn’t a big deal after all’. Talk of the lie of the century.
I had told him that I couldn’t agree to start a relationship with him because I needed a go ahead from God and needed to know him better but truthfully speaking we were in an undefined relationship which was worse than one with a definition. There was no way I was going to get a Word from God when I was so clouded with my emotions and God had previously told me in a still small voice ‘He is not the one’.
The devil is very subtle in his ways, so slippery. I have stopped blaming Eve for eating the ‘forbidden fruit’ (Gen 3;1-7). I wonder if I’d have acted differently. It is of the Lord’s mercy we are not consumed, because His compassion fails not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness’ (Lam 3; 22-23 KJV). Praise God!
I was heading for a great fall. I said to myself ‘I have set standards, I know my limits’ yet I was in a room, alone with a guy I barely knew, a guy whose standards were way below mine. The Bible says ‘Wherefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall’ (1 Cor 10; 12). In order not to head for this great fall, Solomon warns in Prov 4; 14-15 ‘Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way (NIV).
Since we weren’t on the same page, what else do you expect? ‘A compromise of course. Can two walk together except they be agreed?’ Amos 3;3. It finally happened, I let my guard down and the Holy Spirit scolded me firmly. I broke down in tears. I hadn’t done the main act but I had definitely crossed my boundaries.
The truth is that the whole physical intimacy thing is a continuum. It may start with an innocent hug but if the proper measures aren’t put in place, it RAPIDLY progresses to the main act, sex. There isn’t any written down limit in the Bible beyond which we could not go say for example ‘thus saith the Lord your God, the Holy One of Isreal; thou shall not kiss your betrothed on the lips. For the day thou does it, thou shall surely die’…lol. That notwithstanding, we have the Holy Spirit to guide us into all truth (John 16:13) we MUST submit to His leading and never rationalize.
If you however accidentally fall, the devil is good at condemning believers and making us feel worse that an infidel, pushing us further into sin. He tells lies such as ‘you have already done it, better continue, you cant go back’. These are lies!!! God is merciful. Instantly rebuke the devil and he will flee from you! (James 4;7, 1 Pet 5;9). No matter how far you have gone into sin, God’s love, grace and mercy are more than sufficient to bring you back to Him. Remember the Father of the prodigal son. He waited everyday for His son’s return (Luke 15; 20).
God loves you so much. If you have erred, please return to him today, He’ll willingly receive you.
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