I’m not letting go sis she says to me with a bright smile.
I’m not giving up either; I’m just taking a break
I’ve fought long and hard
I’ve given it my all
I think it’s time to rest
Even if it’s just a minute
Take care of the kids she says
Make sure they are well fed
Direct them in the right step
Take them as though they are yours
Give my kids this message
Tell them mama loves them
Tell them mum is going away to take a nap
Tell them mummy is no longer in pain
Just tell them their mama is fine
I’ve made my peace with this
I’ve had time to think it over
My mind is set
My mind is made
Time they say is a fickle thing. I just thought that was a normal saying. Never given it much thought to thus very moment when I could feel the last hours of my sister’s live being played out like a movie. All I wanted and wished for was more time for her.
I finally understood the prayer Hezekiah prayed when he felt the hand of death on him. I understood the pain and helplessness he felt. All I wanted for my sister were just few more hours, just anyway to elongate the goodbyes.
I wanted her kids to see her one last time. I wanted the baby to know his mum even for a minute. But it didn’t matter; she was fading away right before my very eyes. She had accepted her fate. She had fought like a champ and she was going out like a boss she was with her head held high, shoulders square and jaws set. She wasn’t going to let anything get to her.
She smiled at me and told me not to cry anymore. She said it was for the best, but that’s easy for her to say when she’s the one leaving us here. I know, I sound like an arse but I’m angry and frustrated, I’m mad and in my own version of pain. I can’t help how I feel.
My thoughts wander to why God takes the good ones early. It goes to questioning His motive and reasons for it all, but I’m reminded that everything is for a reason but that truthfully sounds like an excuse to me at the point. What can I think of but that God loves us regardless of what we go through?
She turns her head to me and says “Do you prefer me here writhing in pain or me being with my savior singing hosanna for eternity”. And truthfully I felt selfish in that moment. I had forgotten the amount of pain she was passing through, all that mattered to me was her staying here no matter the cost.
And against all my wishes and desires, I let her go and watch as life leaves her body. I know she’s somewhere beautiful, magical and pain-free now and I’ve chosen to accept God’s will even though sometimes unpredictable as supreme.