1) It’s The Thought That Counts
Choosing a gift for an elderly mother…
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.
You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the Church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“David,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“John,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Jeffrey,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
2) Engine Loss
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry we have three engines left”.
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we have two engines left”.
An hour later the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left”.
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day”
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”
George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.”
4) A married couple was traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
“But we didn’t use them” the husband said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows” the husband said.
“Well, we have them, and you could have.” the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.
As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”
“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t ” exclaims the Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
5) A homeless man knocks on a woman’s door.
“Think you could spare a few bucks? Maybe some food?”
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says, “You could do some handy work around here. I’ll give you $30 if you paint my porch. There’s some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it.”
He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress. She sees no man, and the porch hasn’t been touched. Just then, she hears knocking again at her door.
She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.
“All done ma’am. And by the way, it’s a Cadillac, not a Porsche.”
6) A Woman Is Cooking Eggs In The Kitchen When Her Husband Comes Running In
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
“Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!”
The wife, startled at her husband’s violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!”
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband’s mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
“WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They’re going to stick! HURRY!”
The wife runs to the fridge
“CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don’t you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!”
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps, “What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs.”
The husband simply smiles and replies, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I’m driving with you in the car,” and leaves.
Lol.. What jokes made you laugh the most? Don’t forget to drop a comment. Check out other funny jokes in:
We all need a little fun and laughter in our lives. The Bible says “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). Have a great week!
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