Well, here I am after another round of sex. Yes, I guess this would be the last for the night as we are both exhausted. Pretty thing, my girlfriend, she always makes me happy. It’s been six months so far and it’s been good. I just watched her sleep off. Sex is a very interesting body relaxer. If you know, you know 😉
I should be asleep too, as I just expended a lot of energy. But strangely my thoughts keep me awake. It’s been on my mind for a while now and is not something that started today. I guess the fact that I just had sex brought it to the surface again. It’s really not something that I should be disturbed about, really! The only issue is it keeps popping up and bugging me.
I remember the early days when I began having sex, it was filled with the thrill and excitement of doing something I knew I wanted but shouldn’t have been participating in. At the time, after I was done, although I always smiled, laughed and also talked about it, I was still bothered. There was this mix of guilt and pleasure that I felt at the same time, maybe we should call it a guilty pleasure. Hmmm
You may be thinking to yourself about why I am bothered having sex as an unmarried guy. I have a right to my body and whatever I do with it, and that’s correct. To a normal person, this shouldn’t be much of an issue. The difference in my case is that I am a Christian, and the Bible is totally against premarital sex. Fornication is what the Bible calls it, for unmarried adults.
The times I get to open the Bible and read it on my own, I see it being so clearly definite about not sleeping around. It’s spelled out as sin and it shows that God is clearly against it, especially since it’s not done in the confines of marriage.
Now, the difficulty for me here is that I have found sex to be pleasurable, I think everyone does too. And for me, it has become some sort of a necessity, in every love relationship I enter into.
For every lady that I have dated, I have ended up having sex with, virgin or not. And many of these ladies are Christians like me. They seem to be cool about it, just like I also act cool about it. Sometimes, when we wake up the next morning to pray after having sex the previous night, I am always confused internally. Like are we not meant to be praying for forgiveness for yesterday’s sins? Or do we just live or act like nothing wrong just happened?
If it was a one-off, then we could say that asking for forgiveness is one thing we could have done, and determined in our hearts that it was never going to happen again. But when sex is something that we are looking forward to doing and we do frequently every week in the relationship, there is really no place for daily forgiveness of sin. Because we are actually being cool with what we are doing on a regular basis. For me, I have had to stick to the mindset that God understands and is cool with all this, though sometimes my mind fights the belief.
You can’t be right and wrong at the same time, neither can I. Many times, I just feel like I am all muddled up in this whole sexual saga. I want to keep having sex until I get married and then continue to have sex in marriage. This is what I want and what I have known, honestly. Would I suddenly become a saint that knows all about sex and act like I don’t know anything? That’s going to be difficult, really. It’s not sounding good to me, thinking of a life without sex.
So where does this place God, in the equation? Many times, I am fully aware that He is there even when I am sinning against Him. And it’s natural to call ‘God’, ‘Jesus’ and almost shout ‘Hallelujah’ or ‘Amen’ during sex. I have only tried to restrain how much I call God whenever I am being pleasured. I don’t know why it feels so natural to call God into the matter.
Well, I won’t be writing and letting you into my mind without a reason. Like what’s your business with my personal life really? This is the most personal part of my personal life. I see my sex life as very personal. It’s not like you are going to help me, or are you?
Back to my point, I have been more concerned recently because I realized that I have stopped feeling guilty about having premarital sex. The feeling that used to overwhelm me has now seemed to disappear and go away! Many times I think it’s the Holy Spirit that normally tells me of right and wrong, but sometimes I also think my conscience plays a part. My major concern now that this feeling used to help me think of redirecting to God whenever I have done what I know doesn’t please Him.
I don’t know if you get me right now? There is a way doing wrong makes you want to do right. But when you stop getting the feeling that doing wrong is wrong and doing wrong starts feeling right, then isn’t one being set up for destruction or something? I am just thinking, and these thoughts sometimes bug me down. And the question I have been asking myself is how did I get comfortable with this, especially as a Christian that goes to church regularly and hears the Word of God.
How is it possible that all these Christian girlfriends that I have had, have never made me feel guilty for once, before or after sex? We just go about it like eating a meal and moving on with life. We still get to pray, fast and do other spiritual things as required in church.
Through searching my thoughts, I discovered that I sort of started to have more peace within me when I heard a message preached in my church where my Pastor said grace covered our sins. The message was actually a deep one and was taken as a series. But strangely I realized that the preaching on grace actually make me more comfortable to sin and know that Jesus died for the sin and so in God’s book, it doesn’t count anymore. So I can sin freely and not even bat an eyelid about it or even have any feeling of guilt, or ask God for repentance.
There was something he said that got me, my Pastor said that since I have accepted Jesus into my life, God doesn’t see me anymore. What he sees is Jesus and His sacrifice for me on the cross. My sins are now invisible to God because Jesus died on the cross for me. I don’t owe God anything again because Jesus has paid it all. I remember how many people were jumping in the church auditorium that day due to this revelation. He said nothing can separate us from God’s love for us, not even the sins we commit or the things that we do wrong. God loves us just the way we are and wouldn’t change a thing.
He now said that we don’t even have to ask God for forgiveness anymore. That whenever we sin, we should just declare that ‘I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus’ since God is no more angry about my sins anymore. And though for me, the main sin I believe I participate in is sex before marriage, I stay away from lying, stealing and many other sins that the Bible condemns. I could see that the message encouraged other Christians that sinned differently from me to become comfortable as well with whatever sins they were having.
I don’t want to mention all these kinds of sins I have seen first hand, that the Bible mentions clearly because it’ll take up all the space. But the Bible is clear on so many sins, even the ones that are being passed into law and the government supports. I have just seen that many Christians all around are now not different from the unbelievers anymore. They are doing the same things as the unbelievers, but the only difference is that they confessed Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior.
I am not saying I am pure or innocent, but I’m simply stating my observations. I don’t know if you have noticed it too? Well, something interesting happened during and after my Pastors series on Grace. The church attendance multiplied greatly, and there was a huge influx of many youths to the church. It was like the spirit was moving through that message, but I had my doubts.
Another interesting thing that happened was that many people gave their lives to Christ during that period. All the ‘call to salvation’ messages that were preached were only saying “Come and say the prayer of salvation, then all your sins are covered, and no matter what you do, or whatever kind of sin that you commit, heaven is sure for you. You can’t lose what you already have. You can live your life however you want, but only saying the prayer of salvation will save you.”
Giving your life to Christ became something that was looking so enticing that I almost considered saying the prayer of salvation again.
Sorry that I deviated, really, but I wanted to mention the things I was seeing. With these kinds of messages over my head all the time, I have figured out that these messages contributed to where my comfort with sin started. And down to people in the church, the choir, the service group workers, sex is now a normal thing, to not talk of normal members like me.
How I grew up in my faith was understanding that I was in a relationship with God and that Jesus was like my brother and friend. That I had the Holy Spirit in my life with me through everything. It was His job to keep me holy and blameless, that’s why His name is the Holy Spirit.
That as I sinned, God wasn’t pleased, it hurt God every time I sinned. And because God is my father, savior and friend, it was right for me to feel bad for hurting Him. Hence apologizing and repenting from my sin, was the right thing to do. It actually didn’t cancel the fact that Jesus still died for my sins and that He was with me through it all.
So for all this while, I had actually gotten to a point where I was sort of comfortable with this gospel that I learned and the people around me did too. But I started getting concerned with a recent scripture I read. It was the only verse I read for the day but it struck a funny chord in my heart because it naturally shouldn’t be a scripture that should give me an ‘Aha’ moment, but it did.
Here it is where the angel was talking to Joseph about the birth of Jesus:
“And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.”
Matthew 1:21 NLT
This is a normal scripture we just read and pass by, I have seen it many times too. But it suddenly showed to me as the purpose of Jesus as described by the angel of God. “For He will SAVE His people from their sins.” It came to me clearly that Jesus didn’t come to make me comfortable with my sins but to save me from them. I think I am clearly being wrong by being cool with living in sin and putting the purpose of Jesus in my life to no effect. Is Jesus really working in me if my sins aren’t dropping off one after the other and if my nature isn’t changed to now hate sin?
I wonder why an emphasis on this side of the message is generally lacking and why my Pastor decided to not teach it in its entirety. I believe if I heard that because God hates sin and is also why he wanted me saved from it, it would have been most helpful. I guess I am responsible for what I hear and also believe.
I really don’t know where to start from though, maybe I should go to the Bible and also get to know God for myself, outside of what I get to hear from the people around me. But what disturbs me the most right now is that the guilty feeling that comes with sinning has gone away.
Is this how many people start to feel when they make sin a normal way of life? Does one just get left alone with no checks to let one know that one is doing wrong after a while? Or is it the kinds of messages that I have listened to that have gotten me a dead conscience and to not be able to hear from God again?
My thoughts keep me awake…
Now, this is the common story of many people around the world. Even those who aren’t Christians face this exact same thing once they get used to wrongdoing. But for a believer, it must be different for you. Sin is not something that should be associated with you because firstly, receiving the life of Christ and being saved begins with you receiving a NEW nature. This signifies that the former nature of sin is dead and the new nature of Christ empowers you to live a life above sin.
You cannot be dead and alive at the same time. You need to choose one. Just imagine how confusing it would have been if the dead came back to life from time to time and died again. We would all not know what to believe. The Bible says that when you receive Christ, you are dead to sin. A dead thing no longer responds to anything around it, it is lifeless. It’s the same for you, the power you have received as a believer does not make you alive and excited by sin anymore, in fact, it creates a distaste for any kind of sin.
Now we are not saying that sometimes you will not find yourself slipping into sin, but it is important to note immediately that this kind of slip is against your nature. Sometimes a Christian can fall into sin but is not right for a Christian to stay in sin and get comfortable with it.
Let’s say that previously, you used to be a dog, and walking on four legs and barking ‘woof woof’ was how you went about living life. Now imagine that you received the new nature of a human being. You are expected to walk on two feet, speak and think intelligently, and also speak understandable words.
If you find yourself trying to talk to a friend and you are barking, then something is clearly wrong. It is not your nature any longer, you need to realize that. Or if you are in the midst of other dogs and you begin to crawl, bark and bring out your tongue like them, then you are working against your nature. It’s the same thing for a believer in sin, you are going against the dictates of who you are now. A new nature comes with new desires, and this time, the desire is towards righteousness and godliness.
While a dog desires bones, a human being desires love, affection and a higher level of communication. The interesting part is that your new nature controls your life, it has the power in itself to keep you living right. An Apple phone doesn’t have to struggle with acting like an Android device, it is way past that because of its unique operating system.
You have overcome dear believer. The grace of God is the empowerment for you to live above sin according to your nature and not stay comfortable in it. Jesus died to save you from sin and the destruction that comes with it, not to keep you stuck. He came to deliver you, that’s how much He loves you. Though He loves you the way you are, He has given you His nature so you are just like Him. You don’t get to remain the same.
If you find yourself doing things against your nature, let Him know that you aren’t pleased about it, ask for forgiveness. He is in you even when those sins happen. And you are sure He will forgive you because He already died for your sins, and He understands because He was a man just like you. But you must desire Higher life.
The truth is God doesn’t have amnesia. God is not so blind or forgetful that he no longer sees you when you sin, His Holy Spirit is in you! The difference is that your sins don’t count in the way God treats you because of the sacrifice of Jesus.
Think about it, if God doesn’t see your sins and shortcomings, how would He help you out of them? If the Bible says that God disciplines or corrects the child He loves, and then if God can’t see your sin, slips, and wrongdoing, how would He help you out of them? God is all wise and all-powerful, we must understand His ways and know that His character is CONSISTENT!
One more thing that it is important to also note on your journey is that your choice to be a believer in Jesus Christ is a personal choice you made out of free will. No one forced you. Your being a believer does not make God someone who forces you and ties you down that you must finish what you started in the faith. If a person is no longer interested in receiving His life, the person can willingly drop out also out of the same free will that brought them in. Our free will as humans is something that God doesn’t tamper with.
The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, is there to work with your choice and willingness to keep you through life’s journey in Christ and present you blameless on the last day.
There is a lot of responsibility that comes with being a believer. Jesus says it is important to count the cost before you build a house as there are prices to pay for your walk with God. Since you have a new Master, following the rules of the former master no longer applies to you.
Thanks for reading.
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