I knew how to play the game very well. For the past fifteen years of my life, I had been into ladies. I’m not referring to something shallow; I was in, real deep. I knew the right words to use, the right time to speak, the right places to touch, I even knew what reactions I would get. I could already envisage different conversations in my head, and be prepared for a response in whatever direction the conversation went. My friends called me ‘King‘, I was the best they knew, I was probably the best there ever was.
Here I am lying in bed and reminiscing on how I got here, on how she changed my entire perspective to life, on how she was the example that got to me. I had been planning all these years to be good again. I was willing to stop my sleeping around with countless ladies, I had already slept with hundreds of them, and my appetite wasn’t dull. I didn’t have such a strong will in me until I met her.
When I saw her at the party, I knew there was something different about her; she had an aura that even a statue could perceive. Being the man that loves challenges, I decided to take the step to keep a conversation going with her. In such a short while, I had learnt so much about her, she was probably one of the strongest people I ever met. She had been through a lot, and it clearly reflected on how mature she was.
She clearly wasn’t a virgin as many of these young boys nowadays would want it, but she was very firm on her new found belief on being celibate till marriage. Her words had a piercing edge to them that could do a lot of harm to an unguarded man. That wasn’t me of course! I knew her type; she was part of the group I termed ‘Slow and Steady wins the race.‘ Ladies like this never let you into their lives immediately or make you even smell their rooms until you’ve been able to successfully get them to trust you and be sure you mean them no harm.
She was clearly one of those, but she wasn’t one of the shy ones. Her words always came out as blunt and straight to the point. I liked that about her. Her eyes had a look of innocence and experience in it. I wondered what to do with those pretty eyes of hers whenever she looked straight into mine. My playbook didn’t contain the word “love”. Falling in love was totally outside the rules, a huge violation. Something about this lady got me thinking about my future- not as a playboy, but with her in it.
Clearly, strange things were already happening to me, or could it be that my mother’s prayers were finally having an effect on my life? It couldn’t be. I followed up, I was going whatever way this road led me. I was going to have to leave the other ladies in the mean time, which was fine too. I needed to add this lady to my table of records, or add her to my future.
Yes! I knew that feeling of success. I had finally broken down her walls and gotten really close to her. A lot had already changed in me; I had decided that I wasn’t going to hurt her in any way. I was getting soft and I knew it, which was really bad for my heart. I couldn’t stand the thoughts of being the one that was going to undo all her hard work of staying pure all these years.
She certainly liked me or she wouldn’t have kept me around her for that long. I had learnt to be easily likeable, and to easily flow with people. I had presented myself to her as someone who wanted to be free of my past sexual addiction, so she easily saw me as a partner, as someone who was interested in her progress and development.
But I couldn’t but think about her every day, every second, and mostly every night. Her body shape was one of the best I had come across in a long while. She wasn’t looking as old as the other babes I always came across, she took good care of herself. Those hips though, always got me. Her breasts were surely made in heaven; God must have spent extra time creating them. Her butt wasn’t large like Nicki Minaj’s but it was just to my taste.
I rolled in bed over and over again in thoughts on what I could do to her, what I was capable of making her feel. The moans and groans I could get her to make, realms yet to be experienced by her that I could take her to. I explored her body in my mind, already thought of how it could be in different ways. The different positions we could do together. My imagination was in my hands, I just needed her body to make it real. Only if she could cooperate with me somehow. I had gone through this phase over and over again in my mind, if only I could just have it physically…
Still, she wasn’t someone I wanted to hurt; I’d rather bottle up my feelings and thoughts to ensure they had no physical expression. If I was fortunate enough to go through the process, I could have her on the wedding night. She called my name three times during one meeting and she handed over a cute Bible to me, she advised that I read it from time to time, to get my spiritual life back on track. I thanked her and kept it in my drawer. Now the Bible is lay open before me.
She decided one day to come visit me at home, it was her first time. She didn’t realize how cozy my place was. I cooked her meal and while relaxing, we had one of those moments. We had sex! All I could remember was her struggle between what she had missed having and her current life she had been able to build. She was a woman, made of flesh and not of steel. As people say, body no be firewood, she finally gave in and had the time of her life.
For me, all I had to do was act all I had imagined and all the times I had created in my heart about that very moment. It was perfect, and I didn’t miss any stroke. She was just as good as I thought she would be-another check on my list. A warm bath was what was next on my mind until I heard her sobs. My,oh my- that was when I hit the ground from cloud nine. She looked shattered, guilty and in disarray. Was this not the same lady that just had a good time with me?
She was disappointed in herself; she blamed herself for letting go so easily. She was worried sick about how she was going to get right with God, and how she felt like she just reversed a couple of years behind. I was stunned and didn’t know what to say, I tried putting the blame on myself but it just made things worse for her. She hurriedly dressed up and ran out of my house with tears in her eyes. By the time I got my boxers on, she had already driven out of the compound.
That was the breaking point for me! I couldn’t imagine my life without her, I needed instant help. For days, I couldn’t step out of the house. I needed something that reminded me of her, not the pictures this time around, something more. I stumbled on the drawer and found the cute Bible she gave me months ago. I began reading from the book of Matthew; I just needed peace, peace, peace, peace!
I read until I got to a place that wrenched my heart! It was the words of Jesus, “Anyone that looks lustfully at a woman, already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Those words tore me open! This was what I did and what I had always done. I slept with her in my heart already even before it transcended into something physical. I slept with her before I slept with her! Oh my God, I slept with her not once but countless number of times. I violated her! What a man I am, a wretched man!
As I lie on my bed recalling the events of the past year, with tears rolling down my eyes, I realize that I have been so far from all the help I need. She won’t pick my calls or even reply my messages. I hope she’ll understand that I now understand. That she is still the one I would love to spend the rest of my life with, that she gives me joy and happiness and has made me see who I truly am. That I am sincerely sorry about what transpired between us.
Will she give me a chance and hear me out? Will she forgive me and accept me back into her life? Will she be able to get back up after this fall I caused? I don’t know, but one thing is sure, only time will tell. I am surely a better man!
Have you had issues similar to this story? Have you like me once had issues closing your heart from lustful desires? There is surely a way out, but the battle begins and ends in your mind. You can let God show you how to view the opposite sex right, without you having to look lustfully at them like the world teaches us to. If you can view your siblings and family for whom they are and not as sex objects, you can surely do that for those in your life too. You can stop sleeping with people you haven’t met, people you already know, and people you’ve had experiences with if you only:
‘Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life’ – Proverbs 4:23
‘Let every part of you belong to the Lord Jesus Christ. Do not allow your weak thoughts to lead you into sinful actions.’ – Romans 13:14
Thanks for reading.
(P.S – This story is fictional, and reality based. If you can relate with it, then it gladdens my heart)
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