If He Won’t Allow You Be Yourself, Don’t Marry Him

Dear Queen,

I see how hard you are trying to make things work with the man you love. I know sincerely from the bottom of your heart that you love him and want things to go on well in your relationship. Yet at the same time, you are experiencing so many struggles. You find it really difficult to put it in words. Strange but not so strange at the same time.

You understand his expressions of love towards you but you don’t understand why he is still so controlling. If he was controlling you in a bid to have you become a better version of yourself, it would have been understandable to a major extent. But he is trying to make you who you are not. It seems he already has preconceived ideas about the kind of person he wants to be with and wasn’t careful enough to realize that you are not that person.

He questions the very essence of who you are; your actions, values, philosophies. To make matters worse, he actually makes you doubt yourself. Because for every move you make, which comes naturally to you, he has a counter idea of how he believes you should have acted.

In the heat of the argument, he then makes a reference to one of the previous ladies he has been with and how she would have acted just as he would have liked. To him, she fits the position of how every lady should be; unsure, uncertain, ready to adapt and not ask questions. Of course, that woman is not you. Why exactly is he not with her?

He expects that his wishes become reality instantly, and his wishes include your behavior, thoughts and every other thing you are. How easy can that be? Not easy at all to be sincere. Yet since you want things to work out, you have started to conform to ALL his wishes. He has dragged you to act out of character, into realms you are totally unfamiliar with. You are becoming petty, needy, clingy, and very dependent on his validation and approval.

Even though it seems he knows what he wants and that he is willing to lead you at all times. There are times he is expecting you to take normal action, which is expected of everyone. But for you, the terrain has changed. You now doubt what your normal responses in these situations should be, since he is the one doing all the controlling. Hence, you fail him whenever he makes these demands that have you confused on what to do to keep him always pleased.

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You are an extrovert, yet he is starting to panel beat you into being an introvert like himself. It is clear he is experiencing difficulties in loving you as a person, your personality and unique style. Things are no longer the same for you because of all the investments and sacrifices you’ve both made in the relationship.

This is in addition to your biological clock which you believe is ticking really fast and that you need to marry. You are seeing the signs that this isn’t right for you, yet you don’t want to start again from scratch and have to explain to others. I totally understand. You still need to take the bold step of not marrying him because this situation isn’t ending any time soon.

What you don’t know is that you are going to suddenly get broken by this experience. It always starts off as something that you feel you can handle. Like a swimmer, you are taken farther, and farther away from the shore, beyond where you practiced and to rivers untested. Then you are left out there, tired and without strength to get to safety or scream for help.

Maybe you can handle all of this right now, but can you manage it for the next 20 years or more of your life? It’s highly unlikely. What you need is someone who has been able to truly see you for who you are, is satisfied with it and would be willing to help you thrive in line with your person.

This counts a lot especially because you are yet to get married to this person. If you were married, you would need to find a way to figure it all out and roll with it. There’s no guarantee of total happiness as it just gets manageable, except if he changes (which is rare).

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The key thing to note is that before you met him you were a person already heading somewhere, with all your gifts and talents. You mustn’t be like the foolish servant that didn’t use any of the talents he was given.

If he won’t support your dreams and goals, then be rest assured that you may stay unfulfilled. If for every time you bring up something you want to do and he shoves it under the rug and tells you what you are to do for him, then you are with a selfish man.

Most ladies leave the ability for a man to be supportive and for him to allow you to be yourself strictly to him. But you are in charge of checking out for his values and character before marrying him. What other time is best to find out his stance and look at his behavior than when you are friends or in a relationship?

You are responsible for marrying a good man whose values are in line with yours. If he follows hard after Jesus and allows God to work in him, with fruits reflecting through his character, you are safe. You are certain that a man like this always stays teachable and attentive for the voice of God. Neither will he ignore your voice. But be sure that things you have seen time and again, even in the difficult situations.

Tough times are one of the times to be the most sensitive, don’t just dismiss that he is only acting the way he is because he’s going through a tough time. When a container is squeezed, only the contents are revealed, the same as the person you are with and you too.

A good friend of mine said women have so much responsibility because even when various men ask for their hand in marriage, it’s up to the ladies to decide and discern who is right for them. So a lady cannot afford to be insensitive to a lot of factors, both the ones that are seen and unseen. You can’t afford to only be moved by his social class, there are many other things you need to be looking at.

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To wrap this letter up, I’ll also say, don’t be the kind of man we just described in this letter. As much as we like to put men in the box that they are the only ones love to control, a lot of women too fall into this box as well.

From youth, you’ve had dreams of the kind of man you wanted. Upon seeing that in reality, you can’t find the kind of men you desire, you try to force the available man to become what you’ve wanted. It doesn’t work that way. This mindset will only lead to a lot of friction and arguments.

Interestingly, not all who try to control others are aware that it is what they are trying to do. It comes naturally to make others become the image in their minds. This is why at the early stages you need to allow your partner to be free to show you who they are, don’t be restrictive or immediately controlling. Instead, be fluid and take note of patterns.

I pray that you receive the boldness to do what is right, so you can be all God destined you to be and not what a man restricted you to. It’ll help you with being clear in all situations.

I wish you the best on your journey.

Thanks for reading,
Victory Odunjo


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Victory Odunjo

I'm a people person that simply wants to add value, and inspire others..

2 thoughts on “If He Won’t Allow You Be Yourself, Don’t Marry Him”

  1. A lot of problems will be avoided if we only leave decision making in the hands of God. He give the best to those who leave the choice to him. But alas we are always moved by what we see and hear

    1. Surely Juba, following God’s leading is a major factor we mustn’t ignore. Thanks for dropping a comment bro

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