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What If Your Partner Doesn’t Change?

You shouldn’t date someone you can’t trust, because without trust, your relationship can’t thrive. The moment trust goes outside the window of a relationship, in no time the relationship will break down. It’s same in marriage. So with trust comes belief, security and hope. With this in place, people are bound to continue believing for the best, always. People manage to bear a lot of things they aren’t meant to because of these beliefs.

Some endure beatings, some enjoy mockery, some abuses, some a lot of condescending from their partners as well. The basis of their waiting for so long with these acts they detest so much that their partners exhibit, is because they believe that they’ll change one day. The worst part I have heard about are the single folks that believe that their partners would change once they get married. That’s pretty scary.

As much as it’s important to believe and hope for the best, the real question is “What if the person never changes?” “What if the person gets worse at it?” Will you be able to stand it, or go through it? There are people that have clearly seen the true behaviors of their partners in courtship, I mean both the negative and positive sides. They have been able to use time as a tool to have access to these areas of their partners character.

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It is important to know what you can live with, and what you can’t live with. If he beats you, you need to ask yourself if you are a drum-set or a human being. Can you live with being beaten everyday of your marriage?

You’ll have kids one day, how glad would you be if your children watched you get beaten or thoroughly abused by your spouse regularly? What perception of  marriage would you want your children to have? Would they see a home as a place for partners to thrive, or for a master and slave? It is important to not make a mistake.

Look carefully, look deeply, it’s your future we are talking about here. Having spent so much time in a relationship doesn’t mean you owe the person marriage. It means you owe yourself what ever result the truth leads to. If it’s marriage, great! If it is that you can’t spend the rest of your life with this person, you must move on.

Many of the behaviors many spouses exhibit in marriage are not totally new, those little traits showed up during courtship. It’s either that they were ignored, or there was a hope for change. It’s the same with the good traits too, they become magnified in marriage. Marriage is a magnifier, it expands flaws and weaknesses, and makes them bigger, and  easier to see. It’s a not such a good idea to believe someone will change in marriage, what if the person doesn’t? Can you manage to live with the person for the rest of your life?

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Look closely.

Know those basic areas of values and character that you can’t toy with at all, know the things you’ll gladly accept and can live with. I have heard true stories of people that ended their courtships very close to their wedding dates, simply because there was a clear showing of a particular trait in their partner they couldn’t live with for the rest of their lives. Marriage is not a joke at all, and it shouldn’t be treated as such.

Do people change for the better? They surely do! As long as you won’t get married to a perfect person, you must remain in this realm of hoping for the best in your partner. Ensure that you choose someone who doesn’t feel like they are already all they should be, and no improvement is possible. Run from them immediately you spot them.

You’ll hear them say things like “This sleeping around is not something I can stop, it runs in my family, just accept it.” “This my anger problem has been there since I was a little child, it’s too late to change it.” “It’s my money, I choose to spend it the way I like. I don’t like saving, it will never be my thing.” “That I beat you doesn’t mean I don’t love you, in fact it makes me love you more.” “Any time I lie, just know that I was joking”

If your partner doesn’t love God enough now, and can’t lead you right yet? Do you expect magical powers to land on him so that he can suddenly love God and lead you and the family well?

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If she doesn’t look out for you, care about your life or your family, is it when you put a ring on it at the altar that the traits will suddenly appear in her?

Look for the seeds first, and you’ll be sure of whatever tree you’ll be eating from when you get married. Whoever you finally get married to, should be who you choose. So that you can stick through the thick and thin of it, knowing it was your choice. If you let someone else choose a spouse for you, remember that the person won’t be married to your spouse, but YOU.

The film of today’s relationship is what develops into the picture of tomorrow’s marriage. Be wise!

Thanks for reading.
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Victory Odunjo

I'm a people person that simply wants to add value, and inspire others..

6 thoughts on “What If Your Partner Doesn’t Change?”

  1. Victory thanks for this wonderful post. As a matter of fact it takes the Grace of God to change someone. Change they say it’s a constant thing but not in marriage, if one is not careful hmmmmmm it’s everlasting suffering that will end it.

    1. Well said Joko! Change is really not as easy as many think it to be, because for many people, some of their behaviours are already a part of their character. To even stop bad habits is sometimes a huge struggle. Try imagining stopping what someone has always believed or practiced all his or her life. It’s a huge battle.. But as you said, it takes God’s grace to make a long lasting change. 🙂 Thanks for putting down your thoughts

    1. Well Sesan, it tends to happen sometimes.. Some go stupid, some go blind, some get wise, some see clearly all because of love. One thing with love that we all must learn to do is to look objectively while in love. Too many people intentionally close their minds and thinking faculties when it comes to love. If it was another man’s situation, they’ll see clearly, but to their own situation they’ll be blind and not willing to listen to advice. Posts like this are markers to help them see right.

  2. Wow…Lovely piece victory! I quite agree! Human nature has proven to be dynamic and quite deceptive as well cos in some cases, no matter how hard and how well you try and look out for negative character traits, some people are just pure evil and would successfully hide their true character like a bear in hibernation during the winter of courtship and would reveal themselves once the summer of marriage dawns (for the benefit of those who don’t know..bears hibernate (sleep and become inactive) during winter and come out of hibernation (wake up and continue life like bears do) once summer comes! So, in order to checkmate such chameleons (pretenders), we must have two things. First! Good perceptive skills. Using your eyes and your intellect to study and observe your would-be partner in order to pick out those ferocious but cute little foxes that show themselves once in a while during courtship like violent outbursts of anger, greed, materialism etc. Now last but not least and the most important of all! You must have sonar and radar technology! I’ll explain….All modern war-planes, ships, submarines etc. have sonar, radar technology or both! Radar shows you things around you that you can’t see visually either because they are so far away or they are blocked by something! Sonar on the other hand works underwater by using high and low frequency sounds (sounds travels faster in water than air) to locate objects that can’t be seen visually since they are far away or are hidden in the darkness! Bringing this concept to relationship terms, by sonar and radar technology, I mean your spiritual sixth sense! You can hide many things from the perception of a man but you can’t hide anything from God that sees the heart! He’ll reveal any negative trait in anyone like a magnet will reveal the presence of a metal! So while you are using your eyes and intellect to study that person, also pray to God to reveal if the person is a no-good chameleon (pretender) and remove the camouflage from that person! And if you ask me, I’ll advice that you use your sonar and radar before you even start dating someone! Let God give you the go-ahead before you even think of dating a person! I think that’s enough lecture for one day! Mehn! And I promised not to talk too much this year…sigh…I guess its back to the drawing board! Thanks again victory for this wonderful piece!

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