Sex

Why Having Sex & Not Having Sex Can Both Be Sins

Yes, I know the title sounds a little confusing 😁 Which one is right? To have sex or not to have sex? Well, let’s find out!

You also know I believe it’s right for us to have conversations, most importantly the difficult ones. Especially matters of a sexual nature, we all want to know more and this is not a bad thing at all.

I don’t believe that being curious about all the waves of emotions within you is wrong. All those desires that your beautiful face doesn’t show to us. The internal battles and desires for sexual gratification too.

Don’t you ever mistake that those feelings are wrong, God put them there in everyone for a reason! I have those feelings too, so don’t feel so special about yourself, you are not! 😋 And so, to find the right channel of sexual expressions, we’ll need to follow the right route.

Sex is pleasurable, exciting, an adventurous journey and by now I guess you have figured that out. If sex wasn’t so pleasurable, the cravings, desires and the rave for it won’t be so much as we see in the world today.

From the Holy bishop to the most corrupt criminal, sex is pleasurable. With the way sexual expression has also been left in the hands of humans, you would have also noticed the amounts of variety that come to play around the sexual process, it’s like an adventure.

I am saying this to let you know that sex in itself isn’t a bad thing. Without sex, you won’t be reading this article, you know. Daddy and Mummy had sex to give birth to you. Since we are all products of sex, we also need to have conversations around the initiating act that triggered the process of bringing us to life. You acting like you don’t care is just you pretending. If you know, you know.

The truth is everyone probably wants to have sex as soon as possible. It comes to mind from time to time. For both the married and unmarried folks. But as time goes, and we grow, sex begins to have different meanings to us.

For typical youth, sex is just a medium of expressing and releasing sexual tension. Whether for the sake of fun, peer pressure or for the sake of “love“. Of course, sex isn’t a prerequisite for love, but we know how many folks feel like the crux of love is to have sex with the one you love.

Though the Bible points us towards a different truth, it says “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” It didn’t say anything about sex being the way to love. Jesus didn’t have sex with the church to show he loved her, He died to show his love! He died to save us. Love is more of a sacrifice whose end results bring joy and pleasure (More of this for another day).

Most young folks aren’t seeing sex as a path to bringing a child into the world, they don’t want kids. Having children would definitely ruin the fun and pleasure.

For more mature folks, sex becomes something more intricate. Most especially for the newlyweds, they are in a position where they will take responsibility for kids that come their way, so sex is not just a path to pleasure, but a means to establish a family. They are also careful enough to not have more kids than they planned for. Sex still remains a beautiful thing.

The messages reaching us from the manufacturer and creator of sex are the ones we must take to heart the most. For the singles, sex is a no-go area because the manufacturer designed this act strictly for the marital home.

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Meaning sex is to be enjoyed strictly with your partner you are married to. This manufacturer is God, and like for other gadgets, we know the manufacturer knows best!

Many of us don’t even argue with the instructions we read about a new device. We don’t even want to test out the opposite of the instructions. We know that the device we have is precious and we value it, and so we trust the manufacturer 100%. When would you value sex like your very expensive device? When will you stop treating sex like the ground you walk on that just anybody has access to?

If the instruction for phones is that they must not be dropped in water for any reason or placed close to a fire, we obey as much as we can! We even create phone cases, and protectors to shield us from making these errors that may come from our mistakes or carelessness.

Are you reading this post on your phone? It’s very likely you either have a screen guard or a phone case. You are obeying the manufacturer about your device. When do you intend to obey God about sex and work on protectors to shield you from doing what he warned you against? He said sex outside of marriage is a sin and isn’t in your best interest, do you believe it really is, or God has just said His own?

I know this talk is tough, we had a more personal discussion in What To Do With These Urgent Sexual Urges remember? So I am not saying these instructions are easy but grace makes it possible. Especially in a time when many people are living life like these instructions don’t exist.

Trust me, our society is broken to a major degree because many people have chosen to do things outside of the family unit which is against God’s desire. Hearts have been broken, innocent unborn kids have been aborted.

We are raising a higher number of children that will never know the true place of being a part of a complete and loving family. Some of them will also grow up to replicate the same kind of families they were brought up in. Quite a number of people have not been so fortunate and have been infected with sexually transmitted diseases.

All these are little in comparison with the fact that disobedience is disobedience. And our disobeying God is proof that we don’t trust Him or His way enough. So having sex is a sin, if it is done outside the confines of marriage.

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you knows how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God….”
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
1 Corinthians 7:2

At the same time, sex can be a major blessing and not a sin for those who have sex in the confines of marriage. If you ask married couples what sex is like in marriage, they’ll tell you it is safer and more secure, without shame or fear. It is more personalized and customized. Suddenly, it’s not a big deal anymore.

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A married woman tweeted this and I found it to be really funny:

This is true and acceptable because God didn’t design sex to be something that was shameful. He totally approves of it in the right context.

I really don’t know where you are as pertaining to this conversation, but I believe you know what the right thing to do is. So let’s move to the other side.

Now, how can not having sex be a sin o?

Yeah, I know #TeamChastity and #TeamCelibateTillMarriage are already asking how else singles are meant to keep themselves from having sex if they are having sex! Like, how would not having sex be a sin if having sex is already a sin? Phew! Big question.

The answer though is interesting. Do you know that it is only in the context of marriage that not having sex can be a sin? Eish! Think about it. Every Christian who was forbidden from having sex as a single person later moves to a realm where sex becomes a command in marriage. What a shift!

Yes, it’s very right. Can you see that God actually intended for you to have sex for a large chunk of your life? This sex you want to kill yourself over right now, God expects you to do it countless times till you get tired 😁 Let me explain a little bit further.

The concept of marriage is two different people becoming one flesh. An important part of it is being unselfish and being able to meet each other’s needs, especially sexually. There would be no need for God insisting on sex in the boundaries of marriage if sexual needs could not be met in there.

The two also become one flesh through the act of sex. Sex is also an act that proves that they belong to each other, a sign of exclusivity. Why we see raging partners and spouses when their partners cheat is that sex is meant to be exclusive.

Especially with the fact that we all have Private Parts (We once had an interesting article on this). No one teaches you that sex should be exclusive and enjoyed between you two, it just comes naturally. You don’t want your partner’s private part becoming public property.

The Bible gives this interesting truth:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control
1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Except if a married couple both decide to stay away from sex for personal reasons like spending time praying and fasting or maybe for other health reasons, they should yield themselves to one another sexually. The Bible says Satan tempts when a married couple doesn’t have enough sex or they stay away from it for too long! Body no be firewood even inside marriage.

Yielding doesn’t need to be demanded or disrespectfully requested, it is like a gift that should be given. Issues around the use of force should totally be out of the question in a marriage.

Understanding true love means you place the needs of the other person first and above your own. Any couple that lives to give more to their partner than to themselves can only experience more joy and love in the marriage.

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Funny acts like punishing your spouse with a lack of sex in order to teach them a lesson are totally out of line. An act like this could almost be as good as you leading them on a path to sin because the approved vessel by God to host and to express the sexual needs is rejecting and doing the opposite.

And any form of expression outside of those boundaries is now a sin for the other person. Yet one partner is pushing the other person into realms of deeper temptations for whatever the reasons are. This doesn’t mean cheating should be the next thing.

That Eve ate the fruit in the garden didn’t mean Adam had to, that’s why God punished them both.

This leads us to higher standards in marriages when it comes to issues of disagreements and resolving conflicts. The couple must learn to have ways to find healing in their situations, knowing fully well that the body still has its needs for sexual expression. Also, the place of peace and harmony in the family helps to foster growth and stability.

Creating an atmosphere in your marriage where sex is not happening or rejecting giving your body to whom you are one flesh is actually a sin. To show you how deep this actually gets, take a look at this:

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)

Clearly, God is very interested in your emotional and sexual wellbeing more than you think.

Your task as a single person is to make the most of your life in such a way that you aren’t all about your sexual life alone, making the most of your wait-time for the right partner and your marital home.

At the end of the day, you will not only be tired of sex, sex too will be tired of you 😂

For the married folks, it is learning to love, yield and give to the person you are now one with. Not being a vessel that leads to sin or disobeys God.

Following through with these simple paths and adopting these mindsets will lead you to please God all the time and showing that you trust His way over that of the world! This your life and the one you have been called to live, it is safer there!

Thanks for reading.

Victory Odunjo
Facebook: Victory Odunjo Instagram: @victoryodunjo Twitter: @victoryodunjo

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