So there was an inquisitive question someone asked recently on a group I am on. The question was “Is it possible to have someone I am committed to and in love with, and at the same time have one or two other people by the side that I am testing just in case something goes wrong?”
My answer was, “Your spouse is not just another social media app”.
The truth is I honestly don’t know how that response came about that very moment, but it was a clear expression of my thoughts concerning how I find partners treat each other these days.
How many apps do you have on your phone right now? It’s most likely more than three. How many of these apps have similar functions? You’ll probably find more than two sets that do almost the same thing but have some particular features you like on one than the other. You could have WhatsApp and Telegram, or it could be Facebook and Instagram. Some people have Chess and Checkers. These apps are similar in some way, but at the same time carrying unique differences.
There’s also the way we get used to apps in a manner that it feels like just another part of our lives. Can you remember when you first used Instagram, and how you really did your best trying to figure out how to use it? It’s the same way it is having committed to someone new, it’s so exciting! Sometimes you’ll see features on someone else’s social media page that you have no clue how to create on your own. The free folks will ask the person how to go about it, most of us would rather ask Google than act like we don’t know how to use a simple app. It’s the same way you go to your friends to ask for love tips or just ask Google to learn how to make your love life spicy.
When you become a pro, you start to find out that everything seems normal with the app, the features are no longer exciting. Any time you hear of people getting bored with their relationships or marriages, it’s the same thing, you’ve seen in details and it seems like there is nothing new. Then you hear about another app that does that extra, has an extra effect and people are doing interesting things there. Immediately you install it and get going. Sometimes, you are disappointed at the similarities, other times you are excited at the prospect of something new.
For apps, you have the ultimate license to install and delete as you please. Whether or not you can stand being bored by one app and you have six that do something similar is understandable. What you should not try to do is bring this same mindset to dealing with people, especially someone that you love and are committed to.
You’ll find out that apps that are man-made to totally suit your preferences, require regular updates to keep you hooked, yet still have shortcomings that only other apps can replace, think about your fellow imperfect human being.
Humans aren’t wired to come with updates to suit your preferences every now and then, neither are they in a place where they were made to please you. Without you, they are an entity of their own. They have a life to live, their goals and their unique future. This is highly unlike an app that has no life without your input.
Expecting that you’ll be able to have a spouse in such a perfect way that there would be nothing lacking is a huge lie. You can’t even afford to have just one email address, you have more than one, even if it is for business or just for personal purposes. Clearly, in our lives, one is generally termed as not enough. Shall we talk about the number of clothes you have or the number of shoes you have? Maybe we shouldn’t, but it’s clearly more than one in your closet.
When dealing with commitment, it shows from the early stages what kind of person you are and the kind of discipline you interested in keeping too. I laugh when I see folks that cheat on their spouse to be in the name of “it won’t continue“.
You’ll hear statements like “Oh once I marry, this habit of mine will stop. I will have eyes for no one else, only my husband“. Or “I’m serious, she’s just a fling, that’s why I am about to marry, I won’t look at ladies like her again.”
Who are they lying to? I don’t know, but it’s surely not me!
Well, what marriage is like and should be according to God’s principles, is: One App For The Rest Of Your Life.
Eeissh, that sounds pretty off right? Imagine committing to using only Instagram for the rest of your life. You’ll see a lot of people with Facebook, LinkedIn, Snapchat, Twitter and even better apps in their lives and you can’t have any of that at the same time because you are already committed to one!
There will surely be features you may secretly desire and wish your spouse could have that you’ll never get regardless of the number of updates you get.
Don’t be discouraged, people get updated too. Your spouse can improve on certain areas of his or her life, which is what is expected of everyone that seeks after true learning. But truth be told, you can’t make a tall spouse shorter because you like them cute. You either learn to like them cute AND begin to LOVE them tall or else, there’ll be short glasses of Snapchat waiting for you around the corner to add to your app list.
Contentment is the word, and without contentment, there wouldn’t be long lasting commitment. If you are making a choice right now about who to spend the rest of your life with, you gotta be real. You’ll be taking full responsibility for both the good and not so good things you see. There’ll be nobody to blame for your choice or future together.
Smelly fart or not so great cook, it won’t matter much. Sorry if he can’t cook like your dad or if she can’t sing like your mum. You have to love your spouse that way. I apologize if her body isn’t banging like Beyonce’s or if his face isn’t as smooth as John Legend’s.
You don’t get to play with three options at the same time. Even before you get married, learn to stick with just one. It gives you the lessons on how to stay content and also how to focus. We all know folks that are multi-talented players. They know how to share their time amongst various people of the opposite sex. 40% to their spouse, 20% to the children, and an extra 40% spread among 3 other people that have features that the spouse doesn’t have. Getting this kind of life sounds good until it puts you in a lot of trouble.
Ask any of these multi-app users if they can abandon all other apps for one of the apps that gets the least of their time, they say no. The same way most people who go about hurting the ones they love the most can’t live without them at the same time. But yet due to a lack of being able to see all the joys and beauties that lie within the app, they get uncomfortable and seek for more. So how do you do it that you hurt the ones you love the most in order to enjoy those you really don’t care about?
At the end of the day, you lose! This is what happens to those who treat the people they love like apps, they get so used to them that they can’t even see what drew them in the first place. That shouldn’t be you.
This choice to stick with one person means you are taking full responsibility for having made that choice, it isn’t something that you should carelessly go about! If you were told that you will only get to choose one app for the rest of your life on either Play Store or Apple Store, you’ll certainly take your time to count the costs and benefits before you make a choice. You may even end up praying about what choice will be best for you because of how huge the commitment is. You don’t want to choose an app that will have you frustrated all your days.
We tend to have the mindset in our generation that we can always switch at some point in the future after we have made a full commitment. Or that we can have a main spouse and some other people by the side who can add spice and variety to our lives and bedrooms. That’s not what God intended for us, and we must have the right mindset too.
Learn the art of focusing on just one person and giving your all to the one you love. Focus they say, blinds you every other possible option because your mind is zoomed in and there are no other things to look at. It may not come easily, but it can be learned. God gives the grace to keep you excited about the unique person you have chosen and that He has placed in your life.
Do all you can to not install another app for testing purposes. You have your phone for that, but don’t you bring that to real life in your relationship or marriage.
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